tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4447830859849140360.post3064639850715308237..comments2023-10-07T08:11:16.366-07:00Comments on The Babe and Breast: Guilt As A Chimera (Written by Martha Neovard)TheBabeAndBreasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13745694779096545771noreply@blogger.comBlogger27125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4447830859849140360.post-57058711952696118672012-06-06T12:47:19.389-07:002012-06-06T12:47:19.389-07:00I would respectfully disagree... I think that anyo...I would respectfully disagree... I think that anyone who made a true informed choice to feed their child formula (whether because they were unable or unwilling to breastfeed) have the capacity to be happy to hear of others' success at breastfeeding, and would likely be interested to know if there was any new information that they weren't previously aware of. And, that "annoyance" at hearing others "crow" about their success is guilt. If you can't stand to hear that someone has done something you *chose* not to do, then you are not confident in your choice. And if you can't stand to hear about it because it hurts that you weren't physically able to do it, then you are still processing your grief/guilt about your body letting you down. It doesn't mean that we should not speak about something that is factual and natural for the sake of your feelings. I'm not going to refrain from saying "It's a good idea to look both ways before you cross the road" to my child at a cross-walk, because the mother next to me might have forgotten once and her child got hurt. The same applies here.mrs mousehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04609428980766748600noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4447830859849140360.post-22441973367097696082011-07-24T19:27:51.972-07:002011-07-24T19:27:51.972-07:00What a great, thought provoking post. Formula rel...What a great, thought provoking post. Formula related guilt is such an issue, and I love the points you make about it. I breastfed all my children, and am knowledgeable about breastfeeding so it wasn't an issue for me. But if I was trying to breastfeed and I wasn't given the right information or enough information because someone thought I'd feel guilty about using breastmilk substitutes... well I'd be annoyed!Anner77https://www.blogger.com/profile/11122060206458040504noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4447830859849140360.post-25413219513719609062011-07-16T10:00:58.631-07:002011-07-16T10:00:58.631-07:00What wonderful writing! My daughters are all grown...What wonderful writing! My daughters are all grown and mothers themselves but I remember having a discussion around guilt over 30 years ago that imperfectly mirrored exactly what you are saying. Those of us who work in the spiritual realm also know that blocking "negative" emotions can be disastrous to the soul, whatever the situation. I would also recommend to those interested the work of Brene Brown who speaks and writes on wholehearted living - the natural consequence of feeling your feelings. Thanks so much.Helen Tervonoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4447830859849140360.post-70762227768453668812011-07-13T16:05:46.959-07:002011-07-13T16:05:46.959-07:00This is so true, there is an ongoing theme wheneve...This is so true, there is an ongoing theme whenever you bring up any sort of parenting discussion of people saying "We all just do our best and shouldn't be judged by others." Im not saying I am judging per say but people have actually said this to me for talking about attachment parenting on attachment parenting sites. Really? I am not even allowed to talk about it here because it makes you feel guilty? So weird. If you have acquired the knowledge and then make the decision to formula feed, cry it out, or do whatever, I can respect that. But to go into everything wholly misinformed and then get mad when you hear the other side is very foolish. Great blog post!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4447830859849140360.post-21507508370897249992011-07-13T12:09:59.784-07:002011-07-13T12:09:59.784-07:00A wonderful article. Thank you.A wonderful article. Thank you.Sonjanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4447830859849140360.post-58344456482707060972011-07-13T12:06:02.825-07:002011-07-13T12:06:02.825-07:00This post is fantastic, I couldn't agree more!...This post is fantastic, I couldn't agree more! thank you for writing this. :)Ahttp://aliferevival.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4447830859849140360.post-11206204878321078512011-07-13T11:56:39.451-07:002011-07-13T11:56:39.451-07:00In response to nicol hick, voices may be lowered n...In response to nicol hick, voices may be lowered not out of a desire to make the "formula feeders" feel less guilty but out of basic respect and sensitivity for the choice thy have made. Lots of people choose to feed their babies formulanfor lots of reasons. Although their are tragedies like those mentioned by anonymous and the author, lots of people choose formula fully aware of the trade-offs and having considered thoughtfully. These folks wouldn't feel guilty even if normal-sized voices were used. However, they would be simply annoyed at other folks crowing and bragging about what a good choice they made (I.e. "soooo much better). Other folks have no choice but to feed their babies with formula, no matter their preference and, again basic common courtesy should keep us from telling them on what we perceive them to be missing out. <br /><br />Absolutely, parents should always be informed about health choices but once they have made their decisions, we should respect them. Thanks for thisngreat post about creating a culture that respects folks' ability to make their own choices and proces the emotions surrounding them.PrincessMaxhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09197008991622181061noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4447830859849140360.post-72530382733058001112011-07-13T11:38:54.199-07:002011-07-13T11:38:54.199-07:00Anonymous, thank you for your feedback. We are in...Anonymous, thank you for your feedback. We are in fact still nursing, nearly 20 months now, and so thrilled to be here! I can see that the post is not entirely clear on that, but that's okay, I think the outcome of my situation is less important than how I came to deal with all the feelings that came with it. We supplemented for just over 3 months, at which point I was able to at last finish weaning from formula and build up my supply enough to sustain her on breast exclusively. I think the concern is that it's not just one doctor, one nurse, one relative, but rather the whole system of society that has come to see women as emotionally vulnerable and incapable of handling guilt, and so works to shelter us from our own feelings, rather than giving us the tools to heal and move forward, or to meet our goals, whether one week, one month, one year, or four years. I did indeed switch pediatricians, and ended up with a new one who told me mothers must quit breastfeeding at four months in order to start to get their sleep back, or else suffer terrible consequences like PPD, years off life, and wrinkles, of all things. Unfortunately, those were the only two pediatricians in town, so I was pretty stuck from there, but thankfully by that time I had learned to seek information elsewhere. <br /><br />Not all women are so lucky though, and we do need to hold our medical community accountable for giving us information, rather than pandering to social prejudices. As a poster on kellymom pointed out, if a lawyer withheld important information from us that might win our case, because they thought it would hurt our feelings, we might sue them for malpractice and sexual discrimination. Yet doctors are able to do this all the time. Most do it out of kindness, or ignorance, but that doesn't make it less harmful unfortunately. Most of us grow up learning to trust our doctors and nurses, and indeed, we do. Childbirth and parenthood ARE vulnerable states, and therefore it is even MORE important that the information we receive at that time is truthful, forthright, and without prejudice or assumption. It is the only way to break this cycle.<br /><br />Thank you again for your comments.TheBabeAndBreasthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13745694779096545771noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4447830859849140360.post-3879601973141454242011-07-13T11:19:19.541-07:002011-07-13T11:19:19.541-07:00Well written but I think you lay too much on your ...Well written but I think you lay too much on your Dr. If you don't like him/her switch. If he/she gives you advice you don't agree with our question then speak up- take some responsibility for your part in your choice to stop nursing (for whatever reason) rather than lay it all on your doctor. They aren't mind readers- he/she gave you one perfectly acceptable medical opinion- perhaps if you had said, "Formula is not an option- what can I do instead?" He/she would have been able to better meet your needs with another response.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4447830859849140360.post-80308984166703120982011-07-13T10:21:30.388-07:002011-07-13T10:21:30.388-07:00This is fabulous. As mothers, we all feel guilty ...This is fabulous. As mothers, we all feel guilty about something; guilt as a tool to recognize that there is something else below the surface to be dealt with is a great way to allow us to use it instead of abusing ourselves with it or avoiding feelings altogether. Thanks for sharing!Pamelahttp://therippleeffect2009.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4447830859849140360.post-44771271804194214842011-07-13T10:06:45.009-07:002011-07-13T10:06:45.009-07:00Thank you for writing this!! You talk about somet...Thank you for writing this!! You talk about something that we feel that we cannot, which is infuriating because we feel ashamed of our guilt and then guilty about talking about our guilt in a healthy way. Not anymore!!Rooted Mama Healthhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15483278075366059206noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4447830859849140360.post-88778459243128047852011-07-13T09:56:07.245-07:002011-07-13T09:56:07.245-07:00This is completely amazing! Thank you for sharing....This is completely amazing! Thank you for sharing. I'm often angry at doctors, but didn't have the eloquent words to explain exactly what they were doing wrong, besides lying, which no one ever listens to.lisa maihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17036289136116592823noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4447830859849140360.post-72236818893185064672011-07-13T09:39:09.019-07:002011-07-13T09:39:09.019-07:00You are so right and im going to print this off an...You are so right and im going to print this off and give it to my local weighing clinic. They are doing exactly what you talk about.<br />Voices are lowered in my baby weighing clinic when breast feeding is spoked about eg; that it is sooo much better than bottle on sooo many levels.....done so to stop the formula feeding mothers feeling got at or from making them feel guilty ....Its ok to speak about practicalites such as latch, phases of feeding etc but Not the benefits over bottle...at that point people look round and lower their voice ...for fear of making the formula feeders feel guilty.nicol hicknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4447830859849140360.post-85392380123782441032011-07-13T09:37:43.267-07:002011-07-13T09:37:43.267-07:00Beautiful, thought-provoking post that supports wo...Beautiful, thought-provoking post that supports women in a way we all need--thank you!Cassie S.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4447830859849140360.post-55468084534936437302011-07-13T09:19:18.536-07:002011-07-13T09:19:18.536-07:00Wow. Thank you for this; I'm so glad it showed...Wow. Thank you for this; I'm so glad it showed up in my twitter feed this morning. I completely agree with you, but never knew how to put "it's okay to feel guilty" into words so eloquently.Myn @ fresh graNOLA familyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17639340446795061985noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4447830859849140360.post-26928063729954163512011-07-12T06:03:32.952-07:002011-07-12T06:03:32.952-07:00Bravo!!!Bravo!!!Veehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05242560133164201679noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4447830859849140360.post-23016445702876149532011-07-12T02:31:40.048-07:002011-07-12T02:31:40.048-07:00Great post!I loved the post and cried while readin...Great post!I loved the post and cried while reading. I am mommy breastfeed my son until 18 months. Now I have problem to stop breastfeeding my daughter 13 months old. Breastfeeding is hard to start and hard to finish ...Dora Carrollhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17140688569840571967noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4447830859849140360.post-32331005152688166092011-07-11T20:43:02.197-07:002011-07-11T20:43:02.197-07:00Awesome post Martha. Very true, we can only go so...Awesome post Martha. Very true, we can only go so long ignoring our guilt till it starts to really affect our perspective on ourselves. <br />Thanks for posting.momstown Edmonton Southhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04980746169527156042noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4447830859849140360.post-27202085872903025202011-07-11T18:33:22.097-07:002011-07-11T18:33:22.097-07:00BRAVO! You said it sister!BRAVO! You said it sister!Phoebiencehttp://www.facebook.com/BreastfeedingMeansBusinessnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4447830859849140360.post-82180774233841865852011-07-11T16:24:29.104-07:002011-07-11T16:24:29.104-07:00Oh my gosh, I love this post! Not only because it...Oh my gosh, I love this post! Not only because it so well said in the context, but it can be applied to any parenting struggles people are facing, and mistakes from the past. I have a 6 year old and a 1 year old, and during my pregnancy with my youngest I read so much and learned so much more about parenting. I went through a period of guilt after realizing how many mistakes, and wrong decisions I made with my oldest, and now I have moved past it and using that to make me a better parent and hopefully to help others as well!The Babywearing Nannyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02615857370422472051noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4447830859849140360.post-47107247539063897432011-07-11T13:55:16.541-07:002011-07-11T13:55:16.541-07:00Incredible post. You hit the nail on the head. We ...Incredible post. You hit the nail on the head. We shouldn't be deprived of the facts because it might make us feel guilty. Plain & simple. Thanks for bringing light to this.<br /><br />Lori<br /><br />http://ancientwinds1.blogspot.com/Wholesome Mamahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14851926648785499661noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4447830859849140360.post-50917757223950874602011-07-11T13:49:36.614-07:002011-07-11T13:49:36.614-07:00AMEN. Sing it sister! Guilt got me to quit smoki...AMEN. Sing it sister! Guilt got me to quit smoking, eat better and keep on breastfeeding even after horrific engorgement, mastitis, yeast and everything else you can think of. 7 years and 3 kids under my belt now! All thanks to good old fashioned guilt. I knew it was the best for my baby and I wanted to do what was best, regardless of my own discomfort.<br />GREAT article!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4447830859849140360.post-81849826830151437292011-07-11T13:11:50.835-07:002011-07-11T13:11:50.835-07:00Great post! Your honesty and ability to deal with ...Great post! Your honesty and ability to deal with your process is terrific. Your explanation of guilt, maternal loss, and of how to support mothers through mourning is wonderful. Thank you so much for sharing and helping others!! <br /><br />We can't make people feel guilt, happiness, distress or other emotions. People's responses are based on their personal experiences and interpretations. These personal scripts continue to help us interpret events. Information may trigger certain feelings for one person and very different emotions for someone else. <br /><br />Guilt is an emotion that one might feel from time to time. I support your explanation of guily as normal and would like to add that actions we take to repair guilty feelings not only make one feel better but may also contribute to enhanced well being. We may facilitate the emotional processing of guilt by looking at the inner source rather than blaming the messenger conveying information that apparently triggers the feeling. <br /><br />Your description of the pediatrician's actions as anti-feminist are quite accurate in my view. There seems to be a cultural propensity to name negative feelings associated with women focused events such as breastfeeding/birthing naturally/parenting as guilt. This patriarchal action implies that women are weak and vulnerable creatures unable to tolerate difficulties. Thus, withholding information, is indeed a belittling act, and as you say anti-feminist. <br /><br />The apparent guilt that one feels may in fact be a combination of other emotions. You(the author of this blog)pointed that out clearly here when you reframed your emotion as anger. <br /> <br />Lastly, Winnicott was a very well respected child psychologist. He stated that mothers have to be good enough, not perfect. What a relief!! <br /><br />Applying the concept of normalcy to breastfeeding indicates that one wants to simply engage in a normal act rather than a superlative mothering behaviour. An understanding of physiology reinforces this thinking and indicates that breastfeeding is neither perfect nor magical. Nursing is simply part of a physiological process. When we veer from any normal physiological process we put ourselves at risk for health difficulties. The same goes for deviating from the normal physiological process of breastfeeding. Naturally, many mothers might feel angry when they discover that they veered from physiology and put themselves and their children at increaed risk for ill health in the present and future. The task is to help mothers name their emotions correctly and direct their anger towards the actions that hinder normalcy rather than the knowledge i.e. information that facilitates physiology. <br /><br />Thanks again for a GREAT POST!!Dr. Keren Epstein-Gilboahttp://www.ibreastfeeding.com/catalog/p220/Interactions-and-Relationships-in-Breastfeeding-Families/product_info.htmlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4447830859849140360.post-44655873769033027112011-07-11T08:12:44.230-07:002011-07-11T08:12:44.230-07:00In response to the comment by anonymous: I'm ...In response to the comment by anonymous: I'm sorry to hear that your sister was led astray by the very people who are supposed to be committed to wanting the best health for her and her baby. It's very sad when health care providers are so ill informed or not giving mothers the info they need to make a good decision for their families.<br /><br />It may be possible for your sister to still consider breastfeeding if she has a baby or young child. There are many mothers who have developed a milk supply through putting in some time and energy. If she/you want(s) more info you can check out adoptive nursing, relactation or induced milk supply online. A good place to start is: http://www.asklenore.info/breastfeeding/induced_lactation/gn_protocols.shtmlAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4447830859849140360.post-76821512110552979732011-07-11T04:46:40.963-07:002011-07-11T04:46:40.963-07:00YES! I was just talking about this with my sister ...YES! I was just talking about this with my sister in law. She lives with out internet and honestly didn't know there was a difference between formula and breast milk. She was so upset to learn how beneficial breast feeding is. She got mad and couldn't understand that if it truly was THAT good for her baby, why he doctor so easily said formula feeding was fine and many women choose it or why the WIC office to easily handed out cans of formula. Now the choice was made and she can't go back.<br />It's true, I was under the same assumption when I got pregnant but I researched it a little and learned a lot!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com